Is This Love? [Avi]

[dylan]

The worst feeling in the world was to lose someone close to you, to lose a family member. The day continued to play back in her head over and over again as she stared at the exact spot where it had happened. She could see the look on Tansypaw’s face as she told them about their mother, and what had happened. She also saw the look of fear on her younger siblings faces as they saw the rushing water. She had just picked up one of the kits, the other being carried by her mentor when she reached the other side and was back in her own territory. Sitting the kit down behind her and turning around, Creampaw had meant to say goodbye to her sister. But what she saw was worse. Creampaw saw the tree fall onto her sister’s body, and soon the body was washed away. Tansypaw didn’t have a chance, she had barely saved the kits before her own life was taken away. So in a matter of days, Creampaw had lost both her mother and sister. Seeing death straight in the face was something Creampaw would never forget.

As the cream colored apprentice sat in the exact same spot where she had witnessed her sister’s death, she sat frozen. Tansypaw had always been the one to push her. The two sisters pushed each other to do better in training, they wanted to become a warrior first. But now it seemed as if Tansypaw would never receive that chance. All Creampaw had left of her family were two little kits in the nursery, and she was going to protect them with her life. Rosekit and Leafkit were her new priority. Yes, Creampaw acted tough on the outside, but on the inside she was still being torn apart. She just didn’t have the motivation to train anymore, and she just couldn’t face Whitefrost. She had been so glad he had been there with her to help her rescue both kits. Without him, she didn’t know if she would have been able to even save one kit. He had kept her grounded, and Creampaw was thankful for that.

Creampaw had to just get away for a few moments, before dawn had even come into camp. The apprentice just couldn’t sleep lately. Whatever time she didn’t spend trying to help take care of her siblings, it was spent having nightmares of Tansypaw. She was becoming a ghost of her former self. Creampaw just didn’t know what to do anymore.

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Loyal to his clan, words that had always described Whitefrost. The tom who hated half-clan cats. This used to be who Whitefrost was until he met Creampaw. When he had gotten assigned Creampaw and an apprentice, the tom-cat thought he was being punished for something, of all the cats- a half-clan one. The feeling didn't last, as he began training her he found himself growing affections for her. He wouldn't have disobeyed his leader for anyone, except this beautiful she-cat. Ever since the death of her sister, he'd tried to give her space to grieve, but tonight he had to talk to her. She was growing distant and he knew she'd lost a lot, but she also had two young kits to live for. After dropping off a carp onto the freshkill pile the tom had walked out of camp, absentmindedly following Creampaw's scent. When he came into view of her, he saw her just on their side of the river, alone. "Creampaw?" He spoke quietly as he walked towards her. The young she-cat had lost a lot but he needed her to know how he felt and to know that she still had him. Blinking gently he waited for her to respond, hopefully she wouldn't send him away.

[dylan]

All of Creampaw’s senses were turned off. An enemy cat could easily sneak up on her and she wouldn’t have cared or noticed. She just felt completely numb. The only sound that she heard was that of her mentor speaking to her. The apprentice turned her head slightly, revealing her clouded eyes. The usual spark that was in them was completely gone, and they just showed sadness. She blinked at him slowly and just sighed. She really wanted to be alone right now, she just wanted to wallow in her own little puddle of self-pity. But then it struck her, Rosekit had been following Whitefrost lately and she looked around for the little kit, worry now filling her up.

”Rosekit isn’t with you, is she? Please tell me you watched your paws before you left camp. She can’t be here. She can’t see this. She doesn’t need to see me like this, neither one of them do. You probably don’t even need to see me like this.”

[/color] she began speaking pretty much just whatever popped into her head. It probably didn’t even make sense, but Creampaw’s brain was scrambled right now. It was then that Creampaw realized he wasn’t here to listen to her ramble. So she figured he would just want to get right down to business.

”What do you want? Can’t I just sulk in peace?”[/color] she added. Turning back to look at the water, she no longer cared that he was here. She just felt empty. All she wanted was her sister. [/blockquote][/blockquote]

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Hearing that Creampaw was still slightly in their world, with her worry about Rosekit made his hopes leap a little but when she turned it to business, his happiness sank. Blinking his blue eyes gently, he padded next to her and sat down. He took a deep breath and turned his head to look at her. "Creampaw, I'm here because I care about you... You're not going to scare me away. I know your grieving but I also know that right now you need a .... friend. If that means I just have to sit here and watched her river then so be it, but I'm not leaving until you're ready to leave. " He spoke slowly. He wanted her to realize how much he meant it. He was dying to say the words out loud that he felt screaming inside him. Gently he pressed his pelt against hers and looked out across the river waiting on her to speak. Maybe tonight he would tell her, maybe he could tell her as they looked out over the river and watched the sunset. Oh, Creampaw I love you... Why is that so hard to say out loud. <3 <3 <3

[dylan]

Finally Creampaw’s body felt the warmth of someone else beside her. She had been forcing herself not to break down, to not get too emotional. She was holding it in and holding up a strong front, mostly for the two kits in the nursery. She had to be strong for them. When she felt Whitefrost come closer she stiffened a little, but his words seemed to sink in. She wasn’t trying to scare him away, she just didn’t know any other way. Forcing others away was her way of coping. Creampaw was able to relax slightly for a few moments, his words were true. She really did need a friend right now, and Whitefrost was perfect for this moment. He had been with her though the entire process.

”I-I just can’t…”

[/color] Creampaw started, but was unable to finish her sentence. She looked from Whitefrost to the river and was trying to keep her emotions in check. But the feeling of his fur on her own soothed the she-cat. She was able to visibly relax and not look quite so ridged. She blinked up at him and nodded, she couldn’t speak anymore, not if she wanted to not break down. Nodding that she understood and accepted him staying was all she could do. She blinked her eyes in gratitude and leaned into him further.

After what seemed like forever she turned up to look at him. ”Thank you. Do you think the pain will ver go away?”[/color] she asked softly.[/blockquote][/blockquote]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Feeling Creampaw lean into him, he almost allowed himself to get lost in the bliss of the moment. He had a question to answer though and a painful one at that. "Some say that time heals all wounds. I don't agree, I think in time your mind will protect itself from it but the pain will never lessen or be gone." Blinking he turned his muzzle towards her and touched it to her head gently before mummering, "And I'll be here even then..." Taking an intake of breath he felt as if maybe he had said to much. Turning his blue eyes back towards the river, he tried to remind himself that she may not even feel the same about him. After all he was much older. He had crossed the lines of apprentice and mentor relations. If he had any sense at all he'd ask Solostar for Creampaw to get another mentor, but he just couldn't. He loved her and he couldn't change who he loved... could he?

[dylan]

Creampaw thought about Whitefrost’s words for a moment and sighed deeply. He was right, and she was thankful that he had been honest with her. Most cats would lie to dull the pain, but Whitefrost told her the truth, and the she-cat really valued the honesty. ”So how do I get through it?”

[/color] she asked softly. Her mentor seemed to have the answers she was seeking, so any advice right now would be clung to tightly. Creampaw was a broken wreck right now, and didn’t know how she was going to make herself put one paw in front of the other anymore.

The large void in her heart was slowly filling as she spoke with Whitefrost. To have someone care like that was beyond what she expected. She felt herself involuntarily began to purr as his muzzle touch her head. Creampaw liked this feeling of having someone caring. She buried herself a bit deeper and sighed once more. ”You won’t leave me?[/color] she asked her eyes were full of hope at this point. Everyone in her life that she had grown up with had left her, and to say something like this was major for the cream colored she-cat. She needed this desperately.[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Blinking his blue eyes at the young she-cat he pondered on how to answer that question. How would she get past the death of her mother and her sister. 'So how do I get through it?' Taking a deep breath, he spoke-"You live. You fight for your clan. You make your sister and mother proud of you, and take care of Rosekit and Leafkit." As he sat there with her pelt against his, he felt his heart swell when Creampaw said, 'You won't leave me?'. Turning his muzzle towards her he touched to hers gently. "I won't leave you, unless you ask me too- until you say so I'm here with you." Could he say it now... should he say it? Was it the right moment, or would he scare her away forever? Would he scare her back to ThunderClan. Turning his blue eyes back to the sunset, he found that with some irony that he had fallen in love with an iconic example of what he hated. Half-Clan cats. Except that he loved her, Creampaw. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[dylan]

Creampaw didn’t look up when Whitefrost spoke this time. How was she suppose to fight for anything anymore? Everything she had loved was gone. She was all alone in the clan, her father dying the previous moon, and now her mother and sister. All she had left were the two kits. The two kits were such a huge responsibility for a young apprentice. Was she ready to take on this? There had been no doubt that Creampaw’s loyalty was with RiverClan, it had been ever since she had stepped paw into the territory when she was a kit. Yes, she had been born in ThunderClan, but she was loyal to RiverClan. Trying to blink past the emotions that were trying to envelop her she swallowed and blinked back tears. Leafkit and Rosekit needed her to be strong, and she would do it for them. The kits were all she had left now, and she would protect them with her life.

Looking back to Whitefrost she actually had a small smile on her face. He was willing to be by her side and that meant everything to her. This was the first real smile she had given since that tragic day, and though it was small, it had been there. ”Just….please don’t ever leave me. You told me you wouldn’t leave until I asked you. I’m never going to ask you to leave, you are the one cat I don’t mind being around all the time. So please, don’t ever leave.”

[/color] she began speaking softly. ”I just don’t want to drag you into my horrible life. All it seems to be full of is hurt, and I don’t mind if you want to back out now.”[/color] she concluded.[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Hearing Creampaw giving him an out, almost tore his heart in two. She wanted him to be there, and that made him turn his blue eyes on her, so gentle- gentler than he had ever looked at the she-cat. For a few heartbeats he didn't speak, just staring at her. This was the time to tell her. This moment, now that the sn had casted it's last flickers of light on the pair and the river. He was going to profess his love for her and pray to StarClan that she didn't reject him. "Creampaw... I won't ever leave you. I don't want an out. I want to be in your life just as messed up as it is. Creampaw... I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will. I love you, and that means I'm sticking with you- through fire, flood, drought, peace and war. I love you." It all came out in such a rush, more messy then he intended. He didn't intend to make it so... gushy. He'd probably sent Creampaw running for the moors- or back to ThunderClan. He put all of his honest emotions into the words he said, his honest love for the loyal apprentice. His love for her grief, her strength, her faults, her....life. <3 <3 <3 The time has come <3 <3 <3

[dylan]

Creampaw felt the gaze that was upon her now, and she continued to stare at her paws like they were the most interesting thing in the world. She just couldn’t look in his eyes now, even though she could see them looking right at her. They were so soft and caring, and Creampaw didn’t know what to think about that. No one had cared like that about her before, well other than her family. Maybe she could open up and let Whitefrost be apart of her family now.

And then the unexpected happened. Did Whitefrost just really do that? Was she imagining things? This confession of his actually made her look up and stare at him. Was he serious? ”Why would you want to love someone like me? My parents are both dead and they paid for their mistakes. I’m their only daughter left that will remember them. My brother and sister are too little to remember anything. How can you love someone like me?”

[/color] she asked, completely confused at this moment.

The words continued to flow out of his mouth and they finally sunk in. He really and truly loved her. Creampaw was frozen again and she couldn’t speak. She opened her mouth to say something but words didn’t come out. Taking some time, she tried again and finally was met with success. ”You may love me now, but what happens when I take over responsibility for my siblings? I don’t want to get you into that. I may love you too, but I just don’t want them hurt. I can take it, but they can’t. So if you are in my life then you are in theirs.”[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Whitefrost closed his blue eyes briefly, how could Creampaw think that she was so messed up that she couldn't be loved? "Creampaw, I love you. I love Rosekit and Leafkit. I love you even with your messed up life. I think I love you more because of it. I will never leave you, and if you hadn't noticed I think the kits like me too. Especially Rosekit..." He broke off with an amused purr at the thought of the little she-cat stalking him. Taking a deep breath, he contiued, "I wouldn't dream of hurting those kits. They are your family and all you have. They need you and I understand that.... but I'm also willing to be there for them, and you." Oh Creampaw why can't you see how much I love you. I love you so much it hurts. ooc; wanted to get a post in before you left for a week <3 <3 <3

[dylan]

Creampaw hated to say those words to Whitefrost, but she needed to make sure he knew that he had an out, he didn’t have to deal with all of her drama and the instant family. It was a lot of responsibility and though Creampaw was willing to have help, she needed someone she trusted to help her, someone she knew the kits could trust. It was those three little words that continued to circulate through Creampaw’s mind. I love you. The more she heard these, the more she was starting to believe that maybe she was worth being loved. ”But how can you love someone like me? Why would anyone want to? I’m just some half-breed cat that everyone thinks is going to switch to ThunderClan if something goes wrong.”

[/color] she murmured. But he said that he loved her and the kits. Could she let him in? Was it worth the risk?

Her face softened as she thought of the two little kits. She could see them now in her mind and smirked. ”Rosekit is exactly like I was as a kit. I would find someone to follow around and everyone was always watching their paws. And Leafkit is so much like Tansypaw it isn’t funny. I see her in him every time I look at him.”[/color] she said, finally looking up and managing a smile. ”I just don’t know how to make this work. I’m afraid I’ll end up hurting them some way. Rosekit called me ‘mommy’ just yesterday, and I couldn’t correct her, to tell her I’m just her sister. What do I do Whitefrost? I can’t be their mother and sister. I’m too young to have to do this.”[/color] her gaze was now on the tom, almost looking as if she were pleading.

”I know you wouldn’t hurt the kits, and I know that you would be there for them. But I just don’t know how to do this. I’ve never had someone actually like me. Where do we go from here?”[/color] Creampaw sighed. What was this feeling she was receiving in her heart every time she looked at him? [/blockquote][/blockquote]

[' 'Roamer||Avi]

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[atrb=background,http://i41.tinypic.com/11vgy7m.jpg] Whitefrost oddly was finding himself slightly amused, Creampaw didn't think she was worth being loved? Where on earth had she gotten that idea? Okay, maybe he could see her point, slightly. The clan still didn't fully trust the half-clan apprentice. He did though and he'd shred anyone who spoke otherwise. Listening then to her talk about Rosekit and Leafkit, he found himself reflecting to the days when Creamkit came to RiverClan. She was right- Rosekit was just like her. Though he never knew Tansypaw, he assumed the young she-cat was right. 'Where do we go from here?' That stuck out to him. Taking a deep breath, he stood and looked down at Creampaw. "Tonight, we go back to the camp, eat and tend to the kits. Tomorrow we take care of cleaing out the nursery and I'm sure Sandshadow will watch the kits while we go hunt. We live, Creampaw... it's all we can do. I know you're torn apart right now, and you don't know how to go on- but I'll be here to hold you together- and Creampaw, as for parenting. Be their sister. Tell them about their mother when they are older- they should honor her and your sister because they were both fine warriors." <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[dylan]

Creampaw couldn’t help but look at Whitefrost as he spoke, and stared straight into his eyes. She found herself slightly embarrassed as she looked at him, not really knowing exactly what to feel other than exhaustion. She did feel her own heart beating loudly, and could hear it ringing through her ears. With a deep sigh she nodded, knowing everything he said was right.

”I will look after them, no one has to worry about that. They are my responsibility now and my mother and sister both risked their lives to bring them here with me.”

[/color] she mewed firmly. ”But I don’t think I can eat anything, I tried earlier, and all I could do was stare at the fish. It’s like I’m in a slump or something. I don’t understand it. Maybe I’m just not hungry.”[/color] Creampaw began to think of the last time she could remember eating. When was that exactly? Blinking she agreed that cleaning out the nursery would be necessary, especially with these two new additions. The kits would probably try to help, and Creampaw had to smile at that. ”I just hate leaving them with her all the time. She’s soon to have her own kits and these two will just be a burden. Maybe I should stop training for a while and look after them myself.” She said, thinking outloud.

But she had Whitefrost, he said he would be there for her, and surely that would be enough. ”Will you just stay with me here for a while? I can’t make myself leave here. I keep thinking if I look across I’ll see them.” Creampaw admitted.[/blockquote][/blockquote]